The Biggest Role of Their Life
I was 22 and not even married for a year when we became pregnant with our first. My husband and I love kids but our "plan" was to be married for 5 to 7 years before bringing some one else into a mess we were trying to figure out. We learned early in our marriage God's plan is not always our plan but He always wins.
We were excited for this new little person. We knew it would be a girl and we knew what her name would be from the first "Ultimate Baby Name Book" we read. We felt like we knew her. We knew her little personality ever since we found out about her and we loved her. Despite the all day nausea, the insane migraines and sleeping in a recliner, we ate up that pregnancy.
We were realistic about pregnancy and parenting though. It'll be hard. Labor and delivery will be hard. Having and infant will be hard but boy did we already love the pieces out of our little Elle Belle. We didn't really do a birth plan because we knew, all planning goes out the window once that process starts. We had preferences and things we'd like but we didn't even write it down because, "Why?"
Turns out that was a good thing. Our dear Elle Belle (or "Ellie Belly" while she was a big belly that existed) was breach. We ended up having a scheduled c-section which was totally fine. Aside from that, our pregnancy was easy, fun. We grew in girth and excitement every day as our scheduled c-section came closer.
The day finally arrived and I was shaking with excitement, and probably some drugs. My OB was fantastic and we talked about beer while I was having a baby removed from me. I was so excited to meet her. While they were cleaning her and sewing me up I felt like I was jumping with excitement in between the dry heaving from the drugs (pregnancy and childbirth is so great guys). Then, they placed her in my arms and I though, "Yep. That's a baby."
That was it.
There were no tears of joy to be holding my first born. No laughter at the fact that our lives were now utterly altered. No fright at how much responsibility we now had. It was completely anticlimactic and I felt horrible.
Why wasn't I bursting with joy, pride, love?
This was my first child and I'd been anticipating this moment well beyond my 9 months of pregnancy. I'd been waiting for this day since I was a kid. Since I had my first baby doll. All those years babysitting and volunteering in the nursery. I'd waited for this moment and here it was and nothing.
It didn't last long. By the time we left the hospital we loved cuddling our little bundle and she stole our hearts again, this time postpartum. We've cried tears of joy over her, laughed at how much our lives have changed and experienced many moments of fright at how we're suppose to be responsible. Suppose to be. We've burst with joy, pride, and love over our little girl and all our kids.
That first meeting with my daughter haunted my motherhood. I didn't realize until later why this was my initial feeling. I spent years wondering if I was a horrible mother because this was my first reaction to my first child. "I'm not a loving mother. What mother doesn't feel love for their newborn baby?" But it wasn't a lack of love.
I didn't feel like she was mine.
After 10 years and 3 more kids, I feel a little more ownership (especially when I see my traits exhibited) but she's still not mine. She never will be. From that first baby name book, our Ellianna Evangeline was claimed by Jesus. Even before that. We prayed for her together after I prayed as a kid and "my God has answered me" (which incidentally is the meaning for "Ellianna"). She does not belong to me just as I do not belong to my parents. I thank the Lord for trusting me with this goofy, smart, and beautiful girl but I know she is not for me. Her purpose in this world is far greater than anything I can raise her for and God was preparing me for this from the first day I saw her face.
As if God was saying, "Do not hold on to her. You're quiver will be full so that you may shoot the arrows (Psalm 127:5). Not for them to stay." She is not for me. She is for God. I love her and each of my kids with all my heart more and more each day but they are not mine and when he calls them, I cannot hold them back from Him.
How could I claim that my desire to keep them is more important than whatever mission He has for them. How can I think that my plan is better than His plan. How can I think I would win against the one who always wins. I can't wait to see the part they play for the one who wins it all and know I didn't hold them back from the biggest role of their life.
We were excited for this new little person. We knew it would be a girl and we knew what her name would be from the first "Ultimate Baby Name Book" we read. We felt like we knew her. We knew her little personality ever since we found out about her and we loved her. Despite the all day nausea, the insane migraines and sleeping in a recliner, we ate up that pregnancy.
We were realistic about pregnancy and parenting though. It'll be hard. Labor and delivery will be hard. Having and infant will be hard but boy did we already love the pieces out of our little Elle Belle. We didn't really do a birth plan because we knew, all planning goes out the window once that process starts. We had preferences and things we'd like but we didn't even write it down because, "Why?"
Turns out that was a good thing. Our dear Elle Belle (or "Ellie Belly" while she was a big belly that existed) was breach. We ended up having a scheduled c-section which was totally fine. Aside from that, our pregnancy was easy, fun. We grew in girth and excitement every day as our scheduled c-section came closer.
The day finally arrived and I was shaking with excitement, and probably some drugs. My OB was fantastic and we talked about beer while I was having a baby removed from me. I was so excited to meet her. While they were cleaning her and sewing me up I felt like I was jumping with excitement in between the dry heaving from the drugs (pregnancy and childbirth is so great guys). Then, they placed her in my arms and I though, "Yep. That's a baby."
That was it.
There were no tears of joy to be holding my first born. No laughter at the fact that our lives were now utterly altered. No fright at how much responsibility we now had. It was completely anticlimactic and I felt horrible.
Why wasn't I bursting with joy, pride, love?
This was my first child and I'd been anticipating this moment well beyond my 9 months of pregnancy. I'd been waiting for this day since I was a kid. Since I had my first baby doll. All those years babysitting and volunteering in the nursery. I'd waited for this moment and here it was and nothing.
It didn't last long. By the time we left the hospital we loved cuddling our little bundle and she stole our hearts again, this time postpartum. We've cried tears of joy over her, laughed at how much our lives have changed and experienced many moments of fright at how we're suppose to be responsible. Suppose to be. We've burst with joy, pride, and love over our little girl and all our kids.
That first meeting with my daughter haunted my motherhood. I didn't realize until later why this was my initial feeling. I spent years wondering if I was a horrible mother because this was my first reaction to my first child. "I'm not a loving mother. What mother doesn't feel love for their newborn baby?" But it wasn't a lack of love.
I didn't feel like she was mine.
After 10 years and 3 more kids, I feel a little more ownership (especially when I see my traits exhibited) but she's still not mine. She never will be. From that first baby name book, our Ellianna Evangeline was claimed by Jesus. Even before that. We prayed for her together after I prayed as a kid and "my God has answered me" (which incidentally is the meaning for "Ellianna"). She does not belong to me just as I do not belong to my parents. I thank the Lord for trusting me with this goofy, smart, and beautiful girl but I know she is not for me. Her purpose in this world is far greater than anything I can raise her for and God was preparing me for this from the first day I saw her face.
As if God was saying, "Do not hold on to her. You're quiver will be full so that you may shoot the arrows (Psalm 127:5). Not for them to stay." She is not for me. She is for God. I love her and each of my kids with all my heart more and more each day but they are not mine and when he calls them, I cannot hold them back from Him.
How could I claim that my desire to keep them is more important than whatever mission He has for them. How can I think that my plan is better than His plan. How can I think I would win against the one who always wins. I can't wait to see the part they play for the one who wins it all and know I didn't hold them back from the biggest role of their life.
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