In the Trenches
You know how you can see the same thing on social media and the first time you see it maybe you scroll by it, depending on how appealing it looks to you. Like, "I don't like that font so I'm not going to read it." Maybe the second time it looks the same but some one slightly more credible to you posts it so you "like" it but then it just keeps popping up and you want to be like, "yeah, I got it. Can we move on now?"
Well Jim Rohn's quote was like that for me. Don't get me wrong I still think its good but I'm over it and I kind of feel like it puts me at a disadvantage. Rohn's quote says, "You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with." It's good right? It inspires one of those, "ooooo," moments in us.
The last time this quote came up I was at a woman's night and experienced the same hesitation you are likely experiencing. You see the majority of the people I spend most of my time with call me, "mom." So you could understand how I would have hesitations about being the average of these four since they are 11, 9, 5, and 4. Don't get me wrong I can throw a fit like a pro when I don't get my favorite cup too but, it's just really hard for me to believe that these four make up most of who I am.
But I think this is a great perspective because most people have friends they acquire through their stage of life right? You have your work buddies, your soccer mom friends, your college pals, your neighborhood crew. Most of our friends we find through convenience. We start this as kids. Our best friends are often the ones just down the street or around the corner. They go to our school maybe they are even in our class so we see them every day.
That same thing happens as we grow. Dorm mates, college friends with the same major, co-workers in our same department. I'm not saying this is always the case or these are our only friends but typically our five contain the people we spend our every day with and for most of us that is co-workers.
If/When we get married our focus changes more toward our spouse but the general concept remains. Then we have kid or kids and goodness gracious the whole word changes.
Now I have spent time as wife, mom, and full time outside the house job while also juggling full time school and other part time jobs. I will not lie and say I dreamt of being a stay at home mom because I didn't. When my first two kids were 3 and 4 I had the brilliant idea of taking a staycation with my kids and my mom even came for the fun. Monday through Friday. I was ready to go back by Wednesday. Even after the birth of my first; I was ready to go back to work after 4 weeks. If you had told me to take a year to bond with my baby I probably would have slapped you and thought you were crazy.
Well, December 31, 2014 was my last office day. Not only did I quit my nice office job with built-in friends (yes I did have that person in the office I tried to avoid), I decided it would be perfect for us to homeschool. Some one should have slapped me! Okay if we're being honest I decided none of this right. God said, "stay home," so I did. God said, "thou shalt homeschool," so I did. Now we're only on year three and I still think he's crazy but I'm doing a mix of it and this is what I've gleaned so far.
I have lost most contact with the outside world even though we leave the house every. day. Maybe one day we don't but we are out there. My crazy coworkers are my kids. They are ALL that person in the office I try to avoid. My oldest son asked me once, "mom, when are we (the kids) not at the house and you are?"
"Never. We are always. together."
I feel bad for any adult that engages in conversation with me because I just get so excited to have an adult conversation. My kid's social skills are fine, it's mine I worry about. And this isn't about homeschooling. I think all moms have felt this. We call it, "being in the trenches."
The trench starts just after the birth of your first child. We get in and the baby is just so gosh darn cute we usually don't take notice of the fact that we can't see the end of the trench. We just stare at those adorable fingers and watch them sleep. "Did you see that? She just sighed. I've never seen anyone so young sigh so wonderfully before. She's the best sigher. She can out-sigh any baby." It's a fun and pretty trench at this point. It probably looks more like a garden maze. Those seem fun.
At some point, usually with "solid" foods and attempts at communicating with our child as well as any friends we use to see regularly, we are in an ugly, muddy, probably smelly trench. We feel alone. We cannot see the end of the trench. All we see is brown. All we smell is yuck. All we feel is sticky and gooey. Everything we hear seems to be amplified like we're in a tunnel (loud and echoing). And everything we taste is garbage (hot dogs and tater-tots anyone). The people we come in contact with is our own troop trying to get through the trench safely. Occasionally we'll come upon another troop but they looks just as crazed and disheveled as us and the most we can manage is, "we got this."
If you're a mom who works outside the home as well, I want to applaud you. I don't remember how I got things done and you're probably doing better than I did at home management but you are rock stars for juggling family and career. Maybe you feel stressed trying to do it all, maybe you don't but you're not alone. Look around. Many times though, you guys have something the stay at home mom's don't. You have each other. You have your 5 people that can have an adult conversation with. Now if for some reason you don't, please look at who your co-workers are and ask God to put on your heart one of them that should be part of your 5. You women are in the trenches too but Monday-Friday from 9-5 a rope is extended down to you.
For those who do not work outside the home...I'd like to tell you to look at the women around you and tell you there is potential here for your 5. The reality is when we get in this trench we are rarely able to look around outside our troop. Maybe I'm the only one struggling with this but I have a suspicion I'm not. So here is what I'm suggesting.
If you are not in the trench, reach out to some one that is. They aren't hard to identify. Cereal stuck somewhere. Looks exhausted. Possibly has a child hanging off them. If you are pre-trench or post-trench, it doesn't matter. Here is what you do: when you're on your way home from work to catch up on your favorite show and you're stopping to grab a coffee (I can't be the only one that drinks coffee at 5 pm) text her. Find out what she wants, not what she needs. Get her a coffee or smoothie (or water she may be dehydrated) and stop by her house. For 5 minutes, see her. Hear her. It might take 10 minutes because the kids will interrupt every 30 seconds.
This is what I love about my 5, honestly I don't have 5 I think I have 2, maybe 3. They stop by. No expectations except to see me. They will hang out at my house with me no matter what it looks like. No matter who is there. No matter what they sat on or what they have to move to find a place to sit. They let me mom and friend at the same time. They continue my conversation with them while I'm also directing my kids because if we don't we never get to have a conversation. If you're waiting for the chaos to stop, it won't. I have 4 kids. There is a reason we are the circus. They don't get upset if I ask them to repeat something. They'll stay late. They give me their time even if mine is split.
It is hard to be in the trenches. If you're not there, we can still pour in to you. We do have a lot to offer. If you're through yours, remember what it was like. We have a compassion for those that will go through the trench. We have a respect and desire to learn from those that went through it. The trenches are tough but we can help each other prepare for them and get through them.
Comments