5.27.2010

I think I'll move to Australia

I am having a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad….week…I think I’ll move to Australia.

I don’t have gum in my hair, and I do get to sit by the window in the car…but this has been a tough couple of weeks and a tough month.

I told Kyle the other day that I feel like I do 98% of what is asked of me in life. And I give 110% to do that 98%. All I get to hear about is that 2% I fail at.

Kyle said he understood and that he feels overwhelmed too. It’s not so much that I’m overwhelmed but that I feel cheated. I understand that I should be focusing more on the big picture but, obviously, it’s tough.

I live 30 minutes from the friends I’d like to be spending my time with. Even if I did live closer I’m not sure they’d be spending time with me. Yes, I’m probably being paranoid but no, I’m not going to impose on them. What hurts, is that it’s not so much relationships that I’m missing out on, but relationships I feel like my kids are missing out on. Since, I work and live so far away, my kid’s get the shaft.

Okay, fine, the fact that I don’t have these relationships hurts too. It helps to know my mom felt the same way when I was growing up.

I don’t get to be a mom with the other moms. My kids don’t get to play with the other kids. They don’t get invited to birthday parties or to the zoo. We don’t have play dates with families or BBQ’s in back yards.

I know, I know. Elle’s just 3 and Gabe is 1 ½. I’m happy our life isn’t filled with activities for them and we have each other. We have each other. That’s what we have.

I know it’s just me but my mom is in Colorado and I have no female I feel I can word vomit on or shoulder to cry on when I’ve had a bad Mother’s Day and subsequent 3 weeks. I know it’s just me because I know I have a few people in my life, but I don’t see it. I don’t feel it. I don’t feel like I could call a friend at 1 and they would be willing to listen.

I love my husband and he is there for me, but he is a guy. I’m very grateful for that. :) Sometimes girls just need their girl friends. Who are my girlfriends that are willing to help support me?

We all have families and they come first.

I guess it all comes back to 100/0. Living for the Kingdom means giving 100% and expecting 0% in return…as much as it hurts, that means for every one.

So even if I feel I am being cheated, maybe I am. Maybe I still am that loner from high school.

But me and my family…we’re loners together, and man do we have fun.

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