2.09.2010

Excuse my word vomit

Elle and I just spent 4 days in Colorado with my parents.  I’m not sure why but it’s never been extremely emotional for me to say hello or goodbye to them.  Maybe it’s because I know if I cry then I won’t stop or because I hate crying.  Maybe it’s because I know my mom will be a wreck anyway and if I do to then the whole world will end (I love you mom!).  Maybe its because I know I’ll see them again, eventually.

But, for some reason, this trip has been tough. 

I was very excited to come out to Colorado and spend a couple days with my parents and my daughter for her birthday and mine.  I did NOT see this coming.  As soon as I saw my parents it took every ounce of energy I had, which isn’t much, not to break down.

You know how when you’re trying to avoid an emotion you find busywork to sidetrack you.  Sometimes even busy thoughts to side track you if you can’t find the work.  That’s what I did in the airport.  I was so happy to see my parents.

My mom apologized a day or two later because she immediately hugged Elle and I was somewhat of an afterthought.  To be COMPLETELY honest.  That didn’t even cross my mind.  Just knowing I was with them was all I needed.

I don’t know what it is right now or why this is hitting me so hard, but God has put a HUGE emphasis on my family and close friends and why they are so important to me.  The people in my life that say the things that need to be said or do the things that need to be done.  Sometimes they say things that I don’t want to hear but need to.  Sometimes they say things that I really need to hear and want to hear but don’t know I do.  And sometime, they’re just there.

I know I only have two kids, and I know I have a good job and a great family. I know I have a home and food.  I know all this.

But, I feel like…I don’t even know.  I work, full-time.  I go to school, full-time.  I’m a wife, hopefully, full-time.  I’m a mom, again, hopefully full-time.  I am a daughter of God and I am a friend, full-time.  I am a sister and a daughter, full-time.

Bethany Church has been participating in a 21 day fast.  I’m not able to fast straight for 21 days, I was sick when it started and didn’t think it healthy.  Kyle and I decided to fast 2 days a week, Mondays and Thursdays.  Last week we made the change to Mondays and Fridays because dance had me so drained Wednesdays I needed food on Thursdays.  This week, while in Colorado, I debated on whether or not I should continue the fast.  I’m on vacation afterall.

But I don’t feel like I should get a vacation.  From any of it.  I do not take a break from God to rest.  I GO to God to rest.  I don’t leave my husband and children to re-energize.  They give me my energy.  On top of which, I don’t feel that my feebleness entitles me to override their needs with my own.

I’m sorry for my word vomit.  I feel like God has a reason for this to come out.  I think he has brought me back.  I’m back to the age when every emotion is so intense and everything is so massive.  The age where a small glance can cut deep or heal immense pain.  There is such an ache in my heart and I don’t even know what for. 

Being with my parents these four days has helped me feel safe again.  I’m not sure if I should feel relief in that.  God has put this ache in my heart for a reason.  These growing pains are here for a reason.  I don’t like them, but, like the other growing pains the Lord has walked me through, He’ll walk me through these.  And when this is done, it will be for the best.

So…
1-Excuse my word vomit
2-You have my permission to walk away should I randomly burst into tears
3-Thank you, for what you have or have not done
4-Please pray.  I’m not sure what for, but at the very least, pray that you are who you should be in Christ.

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